Sometimes I Can’t Help But Wonder

People ask me what I’m doing now that I’m retired. I tell them I’m perfecting the art of laziness. Somebody else already came up with the book and matching coffee mug, dammit!

I came up with a new term for farts….trunk tunes! Uh, oh…I feel a song coming on!

I’ve been putting worms on my own hook and fishing since I was four years old. Does that make me a master baiter?

If I watch the history channel more than 2 hours a day, does that mean I’ve turned into an old person? What if I see things that happened during my lifetime?

I’ve had people come and go in my life but I’m still here!

Did you know that calling someone judgmental is actually being judgmental?

Life is great in your 50s. You know who you are, how you got there, and you no longer care!

Why is it that the friends that tell you to stand up for yourself stop talking to you when you stand up to them?

Do you ever have thoughts that are just too deep to have alone? Sometimes you just have to have someone there to share them with, ya know?

I was saying to Cathi, my BBF, that I have lost my rhythm since I retired and needed to get it back, I feel lost. She agreed saying that I needed to connect with the outside world. I realized at that point that the outside world begins inside my own house. That’s a scarey thought!  [PS  In the US, BFF (Best Friends Forever) is popular. Cathi and I prefer BBF-Best Bitch forever. ]

I wrote a poem just now!

 DEEP THOUGHTS

I had a deep thought

And now I forgot.

THE END

The last time a doctor said “Now you will feel some slight discomfort” was during an infertility procedure. I asked him to please place his testicles in my hand. The amount of discomfort he would feel would be directly proportional to the amount of “discomfort” he was inflicting upon me. I thought it important that male doctors truly understand how “discomfort” feels to a woman….Now if only I could find the bastard that invented the mammogram…

Oral saline-Drink two 1.5 oz. bottles (and several glasses of water, of course) over a four hour period to induce agonizing butt vomiting prior to medical procedures involving the colon. Crap! If I’d known about that 20 years ago, I would have spent a lot less time feeling guilty about playing hookey. Half a teaspoon would have been good for an hour or so, don’t you think?

I LOVE storms! I was so excited about the upcoming storm that I really didn’t mind having to drink the oral saline. I mean, if I have to be up all night anyway, at least I’ve got an awesome storm to watch. Didn’t realize until I was into it that I couldn’t see the storm from the toilet!

I thought I’d punish the doctor by not shaving my legs or pits. It was the only thing I could think of doing before the procedure and I was feeling smug…until I realized he probably wouldn’t be taking his eyes off my rectum!

Shut up! I can’t hear the lightening! Get the hell out of my way! I can’t see the thunder! ….

I believe you must earn the right to be assassinated by the US government! ….

Wouldn’t the pilgrims be pissed if they saw how fast you could build a house now? Oh wait, it takes longer because you have to get all those building permits! ….

Overpopulation is kept in check by survival of the fittest, war, medical advances, and now suicide bombers.

When I was younger and lost weight, I lost breasts first, then waist and butt. Now that I’m older, I lose butt first, then breasts…not the waist, no never the waist! Does this blog make my waist look big?

I used to care, now I take medication for that!

Take Topamax–Learn what it’s really like to be lost for words!

I was at my very longest and best friend’s  (BBF)  house not long ago. She lives in another town. I met her right after I married my ex. She now lives in my ex-husband’s and my old house. (It was his house before we got married. He lost it after I left when he got hooked on drugs.) I always loved that house. (I’ve dreamed about that house for thirty years.) I was out on the deck recently and guess who drove by… Must have thought he saw a frickin’ ghost. “Check it out, dude! I finally got the house!”

Why does the doctor’s office ask for my insurance info when I call to make an appointmentt? Is that so the doctor can decide if he wants to make my migraines better or worse?

If I can’t hear the voices in my head anymore, do I need a hearing aid? Would that be for my inner ear?

 Does this blog make my butt look big?

 If you have a doctor’s appointment at 9:00 but they ask you to arrive 15 minutes early, why isn’t your appointment for 8:45?

If television remote controls have SAP for the english channels to be translated to spanish, why isn’t there EAP for the spanish channels to be translated into english?

How do you know if an elevator has reached its weight limit before the cables break?

How can I have a runny nose when all the snot is running down the back of my throat and my nostrils are all dried out?

Advertisement